Abu El Abed Jokes collected by Abdallah Hayar
El Abed in Court
Abu El Abed (AA) was to appear in court for a street
He was so upset because he
waited hour after endless hour for his case to be
When his name was called, he stood
before the judge
Judge: t'ajalet el jalset la bokra
AA (Shouting): leih seedna ? (What for?)
Judge: khamseen alef gharamet le'annak ahant
shefet leih ! ! ?
The judge, noticing AA checking his wallet...
Judge: mesh hal-la' btedfa3, ba3den.
AA: ma baddeh edfa3 halla' seedna, bass 3am fat-tesh
ma3eh masareh kfeyeh
ta'ellak ba3ed kelemtain
Abed asked his mother
Abed : mazbout enno aneh asleh ered ?
Em El Abed: ma ba3ref, le'anneh mesh sheyfeh ahel bayak
wala marra. (I don't know,
son, I never met your father's parents.)
Good news and Bad news
Abu El Abed (AA) answers the telephone, and it's an
Doctor: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and
I have bad news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms
and both legs, and will need
help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of
Abu El Abed: "My God. What's the good news?"
Doctor: "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Em El Abed Trying to Shoot Herself
Em El Abed is distraught because she fear that her
Abu El Abed is having an affair,
so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next
day she comes home to find Abu El
Abed in bed with a beautiful lady. She grabs the gun
hold it to her own head. Abu El
Abed jumps out of bed, begging her not to shoot
Hysterically Em El Abed responds
"shut up" you are next.
Abu El Abed's Mobile Phone
Abu El Abed (AA) bought a mobile phone. While he was
it off in ahwet le'zeiz the
phone rang. He answered it only to hear Em El Abed's
voice on the other end.
AA: yeh, EA?!!!ma ma3'oul, keef 3refteh enneh haoun ?
(EA?!!how did you know I
The teacher asked Abed...
Teacher: shou bta3ref ya Abed 3an sho3ara' (Poets) el
Abed: kelloun metoh ya estez. (They are all dead.)
Abu El Abed on a Bus
Abed: emmeh, lamma kenna bel bosta aneh wa abeh,
ta y'a3ed mara
matra7heh.(When I was on the bus with Dad this morning,
he told me to give up my
seat to a lady.)
EA: bravo 3laik ya 3abed daiman sma3 kelmet bayak.
is nice, you should
always listen to your father.)
Abed: bas aneh kenet 'a3ed be7hodnoh. (But mom, I was
sitting on daddy's lap.)
The doctor's secretary called on Abu El Abed (AA) and
Secretary: reje3 le check taba3ak ya AA. (AA, Your
AA : kamen reje3 waja3 me3dteh. (So did my stomach
Abu El Abed and the Chinese Girl
Abu El Abed (AA) is going in a bus to Tripoli. He looks
at the girl sitting next to him and
AA: ma7hsoubek AA, baddek ma twakhezneh, enteh sinieh
sheh ? (Are you a Chinese
Girl (Politely): la' ya AA aneh mesh sinieh. (No, I'm
After a little while AA asks the girl,
AA: bayek sineh sheh ? (Is your father a Chinese ?)
Girl: la' bayeh mesh sineh. (No, my father is not a
After a while...
AA: Emmek sinieh sheh ? (Is your mother a Chinese ?)
Girl: la' emmeh mesh sinieh. (No, my mother is not a
After ten minutes...
AA: akkedeh enno ma fee 7hada sineh be3ayletkoun ? (Are
you sure that you do not
have any Chinese in your family ?)
In exasperation, and in a final effort to shut AA up,
the girl replies in high voice...
Girl : eh, ana sinieh ou bayeh sineh ou emmeh sinieh ou
3ailteh kelloun sinieh. Shou
baddak ba3ed ? (I am Chinese, my father is Chinese, my
mother is Chinese and all
my family is chinese. What do you want more ?)
AA : ma tkouneh z3elteh. Bass ghareeb enno 3younek mesh
metel 3youn el sinieh.
(Funny,.....you don't have eyes like the Chinese eyes.)
At the Casino
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) went to the Casino.
AS walks up to a Coke machine
and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke. AS looks amazed,
he starts feeding the machine madly,
and the machine keeps popping out the drinks.
AA walks up behind AS and watches his antics for a few
minutes before stopping him and
asking if someone else could have a go.
AS spins around and shouts in AA's face: Mish shayef
hazzi ?(Can't you see I'm
Abu El Abed and Abu Steif Steal a Boat
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) went deep see
They stole a little boat and went
in a few kilometres. AA started drinking and fell
AS: ya AA feek fatteh 3einak (get up), this boat is
and it will sink.
AA: let the boat sink. ma heyeh shakhtoura mesh la'lna
(the boat is
Abu El Abed Visits Abu Steif in Chicago
Abu El Abed (AA) visited his friend Abu Steif (AS) in
Chicago. AS lived in a neighbourhood
with a high crime rate. He advised AA not to come
for his life.
On arrival he see his old friend Abu Steif (AS)...
AS: Sho ya Abu El Abed . Did you come here to die?'
it with a bastawi accent)
AA: (in English) 'No I came yesterdie (bastawi)
Abu El Abed Visits his Friend in Barja
Abu El Abed (AA) went To visit his friend in Barja
"Southern Beirut". People in this
town are famous for playing cards. When he entered the
district, he saw an old lady (OL)
crossing the street. He stopped his car and said...
AA: i'ta3i ya hajjeh
OL: fit ya khalti!!
Abu El Abed is Broke
Abu El Abed (AA) lost all his money on gambling. He
to the baladiyeh and talked with
AA: ya moudir, who owns this building?
Moudir: it is for all the Basta people
AA: well, I would like to sell my share!
You need to be card player to understand this one...
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abed are both gamblers (Le'mar
Once Abed came home,
and he saw his father playing Solitaire.
AA: Marhabtain (AA doubled)
The London Bus
Abu El Abed (AA) and his friend Abu Steif (AS),on their
first trip outside Basta, find
themselves in London (England). Once there, they decide
to get on a double-decker bus. AA
decides to sit upstairs while AS sits in the lower
Ten minutes into the ride AA screams at
AA: Shou ya AS, weyn sirtou?
AS: Khams d'ayek w'bnousal 3ala Buckingham
AA: Ne7hna ba3dna natreen el chauffeur. ba3d ma eja!!
Abu El Abed in Homs
Abu El Abed (AA) was in Homs and he was sitting next to
a big guy in a cafe and said...
AA: Biddak tisma3 nukteh homsieh (do you want to hear
a homsi joke?)
The big guy frowned and answered, "I just happen to be
a Homsi. You see those two
big guys at that end of the cafe? They are Homsiin too.
Do you still want to tell your
Abu El Abed looked around: la'
Big Guy: What's the matter?, Are you afraid that we'll
Abu El Abed looked up at him: No, I just don't want to
have to explain the punch line
Abu El Abed Looking for a Job
AA was looking for a job. Since his brother in law
was a man with a lot of connections,
he asked him for help. Two days later, AA's BIN found
him a job as a seller in a Boutique.
AA's boss liked him so much that he offered him a suit.
A week later, a client came and
wanted a suit just like AA's. Unfortunately AA's was
last in the store. So the boss decided
to take away AA's suit and give it to the client. AA
upset and left the job, he asked his BIN
to find him another one and a show seller it
the same thing happened again,
and AA went to his BIN to ask him for another job. This
time the job was a cashier at a
grocery store. Two weeks later, AA's boss saw him
out from the grocery store.
Thinking that he might have stolen something, he
to follow him. After a long chase,
the boss found AA hiding in the WC. He asked him why he
ran away, AA said. AA : There's
a lady who wants a dozen eggs and there are only 10
left in the store.
Abu El Abed at the Dentist
AA to dentist: Laik dactor bala obar benej bala
sheel el doros wala yahumak
(Doctor no needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the
Dentist: Ya reit kel zbouneteh abadayet metlak ya AA.
Aya dores badda tsheel? (I wish
more all my patients are as strong as you are. Which
AA: Farji ya Em EL Abed aya dores (EA, show him which
Abu El Abed (AA), Abu Steif (AS) and Abu Mounir (AM)
at school lemahou al oummieh
The teacher (T) says to AM...
T: 3 x 3 adday bya3mlo ya AM? (What is three times
The teacher says to AS, T: hale' dawrak ya AS, adday
3 x 3?
AS: 3 x 3 ?!!!! bya3mlo Ettaleteh (Tuesday).
The teacher says to AA, T: Dawrak ya AA adday bya3mlo
3 x 3?
AA: Walaw ya istez, badda sou'al, 3 x 3 bya3mlo tes3a
T: 3azeem ya AA, keef hasabtoun? (How did you get that?)
AA: Basita, tarahet 274 men ettaleteh (Simple, I
274 from Tuesday.)
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) kean 3am bey ba7hle' (staring)
be el radio taba3o. Jarrab yefham
shou ya3ne "AM-FM". Eja Abu Steif (AS) weh allo:
AS: shoo 3am ta3mel ya AA?
AA: lak ya khayyeh ma 3am befham shou ya3neh el FM wala
Tala3 fee AS hayk!! weh allo: ya 7hmar, FM ya3ne fee
w' AM ya3ne afish
Abu El Abed on the Bus
Abu El Abed (AA) noticed that allot of people on the
were not paying their fare, and were
simply showing a bitaka to the conductor. After a while
AA got upset, so he went home and
started searching for a bitaka. He found his marriage
certificate bitaka. The next time he went
on the bus, he showed the conductor his bitaka.
Conductor: Habibi, hay btirkab fiya bel beit, mish bil
Abu El Abed the Beggar
Once Abu El Abed (AA) decided to beg for money.
both hands out to beg.
People looked at him and asked, why do you use both
to beg. All beggars use one
hand. He said that his friend Abu Steif went to the
and asked him to beg on his behalf.
Abu El Abed During the War
One day, during the war, el kasef (shelling) was
very close to El Basta. Abu El Abed
AA: Ya Em El Abed, yalla 3ala el malja' (EA, let's go
to the shelter)
EA: Give me five minutes.
AA: Ya EA, el kasef 3am bye'wa, 3ajli ya mara (hurry
the shelling is intensifying)
EA did not respond. After a few minutes, AA yells again.
AA: Chou 3am ti3amli ya mara (what are you going)
EA: 3am bajib el wajbeh (I'm getting my false teeth)
AA: Chou 3am byou'sfou orchalleh!!! (There shelling us
Abu El Abed Stoned
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) 3am bi
hashish (Smoking hash) w
mastouleen 3al akheer (really stoned)
AS: Abu El Abed ... sme3et.. el amercan tel3ou 3al amar
(AA have you heard... the
americans have gone to the moon)
Abu El Abed half woke up opened his eyes wide and asked
AA: Shou? Kellon ?? (what? all of them ?)
Abu Steif Visits the US
Abu Steif (AS) wanted to go to the US. Since he doesn't
know a word of English, he consults
with his best friend Abu El Abed (AA).
Abu Steif: "Dakheelak ya Abu El Abed, teach me a few
so that at least I can
order something to eat.
Abu El Abed : " Ma fiha shay, Hamburger!"
Abu Steif : "Shoo Hayde Hamburger?"
Abu El Abed explains what a Hamburger is and Abu Steif
went to the US. He spent
the first week eating hamburgers for breakfast, lunch
and dinner. After one week he
couldn't take it anymore, he telephoned Abu El Abed and
AS: "Dakheelak ya Abu El Abed, tell me a word other
Hamburger. My stomach is
like a concrete wall"
AA: "Baseeta, Milk!"
AS: "Shoo hayde Milk?"
AA: "Walaw, Haleeb!"
The next day, Abu Steif went to for breakfast and told
the waiter: "Milk"
Waiter: "Do you want it with sugar or without sugar?"
AS: "Yehri’ Dibak ya Abu El Abed, Hat Hamburger!"
Abu El Abed Got Hit by a Car
Marra Abu El Abed (AA) darbto sayara wghab an alwa3i.
Tjama3ou ennas 3aleh wsaro
ydawro ala sheikh aw khori min shan ysali 3leh. Ija
w3eref inno AA ba3dou tayib
Priest: Ya ibni btaamen bsayidna el Massih
Tala3 fee AA waalo hallaa waat 7zazir ya aboune
Abu El Abed Calls Home
Abu Abed (AA) was calling his house; the Maid
AA: This is your master, give me madam.
Maid: I can't, she is sleeping with my master.
AA (ragging mad): You idiot, I am your master; she's
on me!!! Go get the
gun, shoot them, and get back to me.
She does as he says
AA: Now cut them into small pieces and put them in
Again she obediantly does as he ordered
AA: Take the bags and put them in the basement.
Maid: But sir, this is an appartment, we don't have a
AA: Isn't this 309-433?
Maid: No, it's 309-444
AA: Sorry, wrong number.
The Best Memory
Abu El Abed (AA), Abu Steif (AS), and Abu Zakaria (AZ)
were debating in Ahweit El Ejeiz
who had the best memory.
AS: "I can remember the first day of my first day at
AZ: "I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, AA says: "Heyda ma chi. I can
going with my father on
a date with my mother, and coming home with my mother."
Abed and Steif go to Medical School
Abed and Steif went to medical school bil wasta. One
on their way back from University
they saw an old man walking slowly with his feet
(well apart). Abed said that he
must have fta' (hernia) and Steif said that he must
imsak (constipation). They kept on
arguing until they decided to go and ask the man what
Abed & Steif: ya 3am, ihna itnein tlamiz tob, ana
b'oul ma3ak fat', zamileh b'oul ma3ak
imsak. Chou ma3ak? (old man, we are both medical
I say that you have
hernia, and my friend says that you have constipation.
What do you have?).
Old Man looking at Abed and Steif: You are wrong
to Abed), and you are
wrong (pointing to Steif). Fakkarta faswi (I though it
was going to be a fart).
Mara Abu El Abed asked Abu Steif
AA: iza el-batata racha7het shou bet 'oul lamma ti3tus?
AS thought for a while and did not answer.
AA: it will say tttchippsssss. tayyeb halmarra iza
racha7het kif bte3tus?
AS thought for a while and did not answer.
AA: it will say kakatttchapppppp. Ok hayde hayne shu
AS: it will say 7a7a7amdaaaaa I guess
AA started to laugh: ya zalame lish el-7hamda aslan
ma kella vitaminet.
Abu El Abed (AA) was invited to a birthday party and he
didn't know what is birthday parties are. He had a nice
time at the end he stood up and said.
AA: 3eed miladkom el jay 3ende ya jama3ah.
Titanic and Fify Abdo
Abu El Abed (AA) asked Abu Steif (AS)
AA: What is the different between the Titanic and Fify
Abdu (belly dancer)?
AA: Titanic bi ya3rfo adeh rukabha bas ma bya3rfo adeh
rukab Fify Abdo!
Abu Abed The Intelligent
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) were talking about
AS: my son Moustafe is so intelligent, he is going be
a good engineer.
AA: how do you know that?
AS: Wait. ya Moutafe, fe wahed bekoun ibn bayek bas
khayek, min hayde?
M: hayda ane.
AA was surprised and wanted to know if his son Abed is
as intelligent as Moustafe. When he got back
home, he asked Abed the same question.
Abed : let me thin. I will get back to you on that.
He left and asked his friend Zakour who answered: it is
Abed to his father : hayde Zakour.
AA: il3ama chou hmar, hayde Moustafe ya bhim.
Abu El Abed and Abu Steif Flying Over Europe
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) were flying over
AS (looking out of the window): which country is down
AA(looked down): it is Czechoslovakia
After 3 hours..
AS (looking out of the window again ): which country is
AA(looked down): it is Czechoslovakia
AS: a short while back you told me it was
AA: il oula "iltahteh", wel teniah "ilfawka"! (hope
geography is good to understand this
Abed the Alcoholic
Abu El Abed (AA) noticed that Abed has started drinking
3araq (alcohol) every night, which AA did not like. One
night AA wanted to show Abed the harmful effects of
He took Abed to the backyard, he filled 2 big
buckets, one with water and the other one with alcohol.
AA asked Abed to bring the donkey in front of the
The donkey smelled both, and start drinking from the
one filled with water.
AA: Abed you see how the donkey drank water and not
Can you tell me
Abed: sure, la-enno hmar. (because hi is a donkey)
One day Abu El Abed (AA) decided to try his luck in a
new business in the United States. He left for the U.S. and
started selling clothes and sleeping equipment. Six
later he called Em El Abed (EA) and said..
AA: " Em El Abed doubi chantek ou ta3eh la hawn. " (EA
pack your clothes and come here)
EA: " Leish ya AA ? " (Why AA ?)
AA: " Be3et miyet farsheh ou khams miyet kilot ou
150 000 Dollar." (I sold one hundred
mattresses and five hundred underwear and made a profit
of 150 000 Dollars)
EA: " Eh inta doub chntak ou ta3a la hawn. Ana bi
ouahdeh ou bala kilot rbehet 200 000
Dollar. " (You pack your bags and come here. With one
mattress and no underwear I made a profit
of 200 000 Dollars.)
Abu El Abed & Abu Steif Going to University
in the US
Abu El Abed (AA) and Abu Steif (AS) wanted to continue
their education in the states. The university sent them
application forms to fill-in, and on these forms there
was an entry for the name of previous schools attended.
AA wrote down: I don't know
AS wrote: I didn't mean it.
When their friends asked them what that meant.
AA: I was at "maaref"
AS: I was at "makassed"
Plat Du Jour
Abu El Abed (AA) opened a restaurant in Ashrafieh, a
speaking part of Beirut. He put up a sign with the
name of the days' main dish. A woman passing by went in
and asked AA.
Woman: " AA shou el plat du jour lyaoum ? " (AA what is
the main dish today ?)
AA: " Wara' 3enab malffouf " (Rolled vine leaves)
Woman: " J'aime beacoup ca " (I like that a lot)
AA: " La' jambo laban " (No, there is yoghurt with it.
(Jambo couca ….La' jambo
Abed at School (3)
Abed went to a new school and had to take a test. The
teacher asked him:
Teacher: If you have 3 birds on an electrical wire, and
one bird flies away, how many birds are left?
Abed replies: None
Abed: Because it is very well known that when one bird
flies off, the rest follow
Teacher: No, Abed. The correct answer is 2, but I like
your way of thinking (by3jibni tafkirak)
Abed: Let me ask you a question ya madam. If three
are sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones
(korn Bouza). One is licking it, the 2nd one is sucking
it, and the 3rd one is biting it. Which one is married?
Teacher: I don't know, the one sucking it?
Abed: No. The one wearing the wedding ring is the
woman. But I like your way of thinking.
Abu El Abed (AA) became a very rich man. One day while
he was in a meeting with his directors, Em El Abed (EA)
dropped by and gave him a big puzzle box.
He kicked every body out of the conference room and
the door. A few hours later EA knocked the door but
AA did not reply. AA stayed inside the conference room
for days and months..
After 2 years he came out.
AA: 2 years.. 2 years.. I won
People around him: what do you mean ya AA, we thought
you were dead!
AA: look ya hameer, it is written on the box 3 to 5
I solved it in 2
Abu El Abed Late to Work
One day Abu El Abed (AA)was very late for work, so he
was driving very fast. Unfortunately he hit a guy who was
walking on the street. AA stopped immediately and got
out of the car to see if the guy is ok:
Guy: Shou mish shayifni? (you didn't see me?)
AA: Mbaleh, bass mish zaker wayn. (Yes, but I don't
Abu El Abed Working in a Pharmacy
Abu El Abed (AA) was workin in Sahet El Abed Pharmacy.
One day Abu Steif (AS) walked into the pharmacy,
shaked hands with AA, and told him that he had a
AA: Khair enshallah, what's wrong AS, how can I help
AS: A3endak ya Abu El Abed shi dawa lasrasir (Do you
AA: Laish chou behn ??? !!! (Why what's wrong with them)
Once upon a time, Abu El Abed (AA) was sitting in
when he found a really really old rusted lamp. He tried
to clear some of the dust on that lamp by rubbing it
SUDDENLY, a genie popped out ...
Genie: " SHEBEIK LEBEIK Abdak bein eideyk". Then told
telling AA that he can make ONLY ONE
After thinking for about 5 minutes or so, AA said
AA: Well Genie, here's what I want you to do. I want
to build me a highway from here to Cyprus"
Genie: You know ya AA that I am an old genie & this
is a lot of work for me. Can' t you think of
AA: Well, there that one other thing: the way Em El
thinks. Why sometimes she's happy &
sometimes she's not, what she likes & what she
Can make understand her behaviour?
Genie: And how many lanes did you want that highway to
are my visitor number
since September 9, 2007.